"Usually it is not the child who needs to be loved" - interview with Karolina Cziglán Psychologist

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Incomplete parents, happy children c. In his book, he encourages parents to support themselves and to try to understand what they are doing. Parenting is not car fitting, so there are no surefire recipes on how to make perfect babies.

Parenting is not car fitting (photo: Cziglбn Tamбs)Baby Room: You are a couple and family therapist, working with most adults to read a book about parenting. Why can? Karolina Cziglán: My main family therapist is connecting with children. They find out what is causing the child distress, and then very often continue with the parents, because if they are well with each other, with their own parental roles, if the family is in balance, then the child is well. In general, it is not the child who needs to be fitted, but the parents who need support. Bsz: Children's books are full of bookshelf shelves, so why do you feel the need to have a book in this crowded market? Did you have an emergency? Cz.K .: I think - and this is where my book differs from the majority of children's books - there is no real recipe for parenting. I didn't want to tell you, because there may not be a definite solution to a given situation, and this should be done if the child, for example, believes. Not a good solution, one time it ends, sometimes another, with the same child, child-parent couple. I think the essence of being a parent is good, both in itself and in your role as a parent. Bsz: Would it be that simple? Usually, the councils teach what the child is and how to use it. Should we be more concerned with the parents? Cz.K .: Yes, I usually put a little emphasis on it. The way a parent listens to himself or herself and interprets his or her own reactions is a way of understanding that a particular conflict situation is about his or her own tensions that he or she needs to deal with, not the child's behavior. So, I don't think this is emphasized enough; Bsz: Most of the parenting literature tells you the sure recipe for what a parent should do. If the council does not come in, most of the time you will feel that we can be wrong, we are not good parents, because the solution is here, but it does not work. Then I'll do something wrong in public. Cz.K .: There is less need for information and support for parents about how difficult it is for parents to arrive. They really think we are wrong. The hardest part is having a baby in the postpartum period, both of which are born to parents, but perhaps to the mother, as most of the time mothers stay at home with the child. Everything, everything that was before and a whole new chapter begins to turn around. Many people are surprised that they should be happy and cloudless, and if they do not, they will be in trouble. Instead of being in a state of pink, they find themselves locked in a monotonous, depressed state of being unable to break out of their daily routine, so close to the wall. Obviously not everyone kills them that way, but there are many negative feelings. There is less rain for it, so those who experience it are astonished and innocent before the situation because it was never too difficult to be born. I don't usually post to Facebook that I feel like a squeezed lemon.

(photo: Cziglбn Tamбs) Bs: The smaller a child is, the more there are rules for parenting, sure choices for what a mother should do: breastfeed, pick up a baby doll, carry it. There's no other way you go, you're not doing well. How do you see this, you are quite permissive with parents, for example, you say that you may not always need to pick up a baby. I haven't read that much elsewhere. Cz.K .: The good for the mother and the baby. I don't mean anything can be good. You have a child's basic needs: to respond, to get help, to get some answers, to get connected. These are real needs, but fine-tuning how the parent responds can be different. In a family, a man is looking for a balance that neither he nor the child should have. Every situation is different, every child is different, so there are no ready answers. In addition, we have contradictory answers: always pick up the baby when you are screaming, but you can also read that you should not pick up at night, just whisper, sing or caress. But the reality is not like that, the reality is that when I pick it up, because I hear how desperate I am, I don't pick it up sometimes because I just wake it up and just wake it up when I pick it up. You know when to answer which one comes to both of you. These are trivial things, but we don't usually talk about roulette, but if a parent does the same thing he reads in a book, then he's worried. Bsz: What you are saying is that the parent should know himself very well, his own limitations, he should be self-reflexive. Is it so difficult to be a parent because we are in the process of losing ownership of an ongoing self-awareness? Cz.K .: Yes, it's not easy. Keep paying attention to why I react the way I am nervous. There are many situations in which a child is not the cause of a situation that gets crazy. It is very important for all of us to be good parents because it is a central role in our lives. Another man's life is on me, not just his physical existence. The more aware we are, the more we know about parenting, and the more aware we are of the impact we have on our child. It can be overwhelming. And in the meantime, there is no objective feedback that will show from time to time whether we are doing it right. There are no handrails. Bsz: How does our child's life tell us if we're doing it well? Cz.K .: Yes and no. It is a good sign if the child is basically comfortable in his or her skin, if he or she is developing at an age, if he or she can relate to others. However, in the short term, it does not indicate that, if, from the onset of development, a more difficult period begins, say during adolescence, then if the parent wants to read about the child, he or she will be uncertain. If we refer to everything that a child does, that is a very dangerous thing. The parent should just give them the peace of mind that they are not frightened when they have something to do with the child, but that they keep calm that everything is okay. Not everything in a parent tells you what your child is doing or how he or she feels.

(photo: Cziglбn Tamбs) Bsz: In your book, you are not just a mother, you are specifically emphasizing the role of the father, you do not consider parenting as a one-man thing. We also saw a father with a child, not a mother, in the book cover. What was your purpose and what do you think, where is the place for the Father today? Cz.K .: On the one hand, it was intended not to be stereotypical, boring, very diverse family (single, mosaic, heart, etc.), on the other hand, I think it is important not to treat the child as a mother. There are a lot of men involved in the life of their child, and they and the child are doing very well. We probably expect more from the Abbot today than ever before: stay present, keep track of your child's daily routine. The child is more confident if the father is present in a life-giving support mask. More research has focused on the impact a child has on a child and, for example, found that men who were criminals chose their father to be a significant factor in retribution. Where is the place for the Father today? I think we're in the process of staying in when we just take our seats. Becoming a father is just as great as becoming a mother. Bsz: You approach child-rearing from the family unit, from balance, from parenting. Many times you want us to be together with ourselves. What does this mean and what is it about parenting? Cz.K .: It means that you always stand beside yourself, even if you know you are making a mistake. It is important to emphasize that this does not mean blurring the line between you and the wrong. Standing next to yourself means you reward yourself for doing something that is contrary to your own values, say, slapping or slapping the baby and hurting you, but in that sense, you feel like. I have a consciousness, I do not want to be repeated, I do not wake it up, but I still accept it, I love myself. This is of paramount importance in parenting because we can change if we accept it first.Related articles in parenting: